


If I Should Fall

by LuckyDarling



Series: I've Been Loving You Too Long To Stop Now [1]
Category: Captain America (Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Inspired by the serpent society movie we never got, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Not Canon Compliant, Post-Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Serpent society (Marvel), Sick Steve Rogers, Steve Rogers Needs a Hug, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, comic elements incorporated, the X-men show up briefly
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-27
Updated: 2019-12-27
Packaged: 2021-02-26 17:40:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,700
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21982300
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LuckyDarling/pseuds/LuckyDarling
Summary: When Steve falls suddenly and mysteriously ill, it's a race against time to find the cure. If Bucky's wants to save Steve's life, he's going to have to accept help from an unlikely source.
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers
Series: I've Been Loving You Too Long To Stop Now [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1582375
Comments: 6
Kudos: 25





	If I Should Fall

**Author's Note:**

> Hello, I can't believe the first chapter is finally out! I've been working on it for forever. Unfortunately due to stress, procrastination, and not having a good computer set up, it's taken longer than expected as my twitter followers will know. Btw, follow me on twitter  
> [@captlune](https://twitter.com/CaptLune?s=09) if ya'll want to keep up with my shenanigans behind the scenes.  
> Also, I would love a beta for this series but am having trouble finding one so let me know if any one is interested?  
> Also, Steve's thing with Rachel Leighton is based off of the serpent society comics though I've taken creative liberties since I honestly don't know a whole lot about their original arc except for the bits and pieces. Don't worry though, Stucky is the end goal and their relationship is only the in the first chapter.  
> Also more tags to come.  
> I hope you guys enjoy! Please leave a comment or kudos if you enjoyed it and let me know what you think!

Steve rolls over to face the wall and just glares sadly at it. What he wouldn't give to hold Bucky in his arms--Steve swallowed back the lump in his throat and scrunched his eyes shut. There was nothing he could do about it though, could he? Nothing he could do to bring back any of the people he loved.

Not for the first time since he'd been woken from the ice, Steve wished he had his small sickly body back.He wouldn't have had to play the hero--the martyr.

But then where would Bucky be?

Probably either dead in a Hydra facility somewhere or on The Raft on lockdown for being such a high level international security threat. Steve sucked in a breath through his teeth and tried to calm himself. Tears wouldn't solve anything.

A door behind him whooshed open and he could hear Rachel murmur. “He's in here.”

“If it's not an emergency, then I'd like to be left alone.” Steve grumbled.

“You do remember that today's the day of the mutant rights rally, right? Or is that no longer something you're worried about?” Natasha said in a no nonsense voice as she sauntered--Steve didn't have to look to know it was a saunter-- into the room.

Oh… that's right. He was supposed to be say a little speech to show his support for the mutants rights movement going on this afternoon.

Instead of acknowledging that, he buried his face into the feather pillow a bit more.

“What are you doing here?” He grumbled out. He wanted to wallow in peace but if Natasha was here, that wouldn't happen. “I'm naked under here.” He added on, as if that would deter her.

“Then it's a good thing you're covered up.” She retorted setting something down by the bed as she sat down. “Are you gonna keep trying to become one with the bed or are you gonna look at me?”

They both knew the answer to that.

Steve grabbed at the lavender comforter and attempted to pull it over his head but Natasha just grabbed it and ripped it off of him. “Hey!” Steve shouted, twisting around to glare at her.

“Ooh, someone likes it rough.” Natasha raised a mocking eyebrow at the array of red markings on his ass **.**

Steve grabbed at the comforter and pulled it back over himself, snapping at her. “Privileged eyes only.”

“Steve,” She sighed, the slight furrow to her eyebrows was the only hint at her frustration. “Is there anything you'd like to talk about?”

“No.”

“Let me rephrase that, is there any reason why Rachel would call me of all people from your phone, worried about you?”

Steve shot a look to the door to the rest of the condo and thought, traitor. His maybe girlfriend didn't even trust him when he said he'd be fine. Granted he’d just broken down crying in the middle of sex and brought everything to a full, grinding halt but grief could do that to a person.

Steve clenched his jaw, trying to stop the quiver there.

“You know he's alive right?”

“Yeah,” He whispered, chagrin bleeding away from him. He fisted his hands into the comforter and gave her a putiful look. “But it doesn't feel like it.”

“Oh Steve,” Natasha set her hand on his sweaty hair--the styling mousse no longer holding its spiky shape. “I may not be Sam but I’m a pretty good listener.”

Steve pressed his head further into her palm, prompting her to begin petting her while Steve shifted so he was facing the wall again. “I'll be fine in a bit, just…. I need a minute.”

“I promise you Steve, Bucky is out there. Neither Hydra, nor the Red Room have him. He's free.” Natasha runs her fingers through Steve's hair. Steve just nodded and clenched the blankets tighter. “And Rebecca too, even if things aren't the same. Would you like me to facetime her? Would that help you feel better?”

Steve shook his head, paused and then nodded, turning his head slightly so he could look at her. “I don't want her to see me like this.”

“She wouldn't mind, you know.”

Steve pulled in a huge breath of air and sat up. “Maybe later.”

Natasha's features softened imperceptibly. “You know I'm not one to judge, but you really should find a professional to talk to Steve. You're not taking care of yourself.”

“I know you're worried Nat but I just don't feel comfortable talking about this to some stranger.”

Natasha rolled her eyes. “Geez, I forgot how much your generation likes to pretend that the world isn’t on fire.”

Steve elbowed her, annoyed and Natasha jabbed him right back.

“You're a leader Steve, how do you expect to keep anyone safe if you can't even take care of yourself?”

The truth in that statement made Steve feel guilty. While he was wallowing away in his own little stew of misery, his reaction times in training were slipping. He was getting sloppy.

Steve rubbed his hair flat against his head. “I'm sorry, I'll try harder.”

Natasha sighed, probably annoyed with him. “How about you find something that makes you happy first? Not some warm body willing to put up with your weepy ass just for some hot sex and help against the Serpent Society.”

“Hey! Rachel's not that bad.” Steve grumbled.

“You're right, you're just always fighting about some moral bullshit and trying to get her on some better path.”

Steve glared at the sheets but didn't clench his fists. “She's a good girl deep down, she's just had it rough. She got out of the Society, didn't she?”

Natasha rolled her eyes. “She's a distraction from your real issues. You're using her and you know it.”

Steve was silent for a while before looking back at Natasha. “She's using me too.”

Natasha just quirked an eyebrow. “And that's supposed to make things any better?” Steve clenched his jaw and held her stare, wanting to be stubborn. Why did she have to keep pressing? “She's going to move on one day; what are you going to do then?”

Steve… honestly didn't know. He didn't want to find just anyone else to occupy his time--it wasn't right, even if it did distract him from all the awfulness in his life right now.

“Tell me something: if Bucky were to walk through those doors right now, would he be happy to see you like this?”

“I wouldn't know.” Steve grumbled, annoyed. “Ow! Okay fine, he'd kick my ass! Happy?”

“Steve,”

“Fine,” Steve consented. “I'll stop by the shelter tomorrow and volunteer.” The animals always did cheer him up, even if it was busy work.

“That's a start.” Natasha patted his shoulder, before pulling out her cellphone. “We should probably head out, you still need to get dressed and security will want you there ahead of time just to make sure everything runs smoothly. Dr. Xavier wants to run over everything one last time before the event.”

Steve stared at the comforter in his lap for a minute before nodding. “Alright, just give me a moment to get some clothes on.”

“Don’t take too long.” Natasha patted him on the shoulder before heaving herself up. “Oh and do something about Rachel, she was worried about you.”

Steve made a face. What was he going to do about Rachel? If he was being truly honest with himself, Natasha was right. The pink haired woman was nothing but a distraction for him. Was it really okay for him to do this even though they had an agreement?

“I hate it when you’re right.” He grumbled.

“Where would you be without me, Rogers?” She smirked over her shoulder as she closed the door on her way out.

Where would he be, indeed. 

Steve looked around the room, trying to spot where all of his clothes had landed before getting dressed. He'd have to shower later unfortunately.

Steve hesitated at the door. He really didn't want to talk to Rachel about earlier but he did owe her an explanation. Steve made a grumpy face and tried to ignore how hot he felt in his brown leather jacket and forced himself into the spacious yet glamorous living room.

Rachel was sipping on something alcoholic by the kitchen island, checking her phone. When she looked up at him, her bright pink curls bounced in their ponytail and it made Steve wish he hadn't ruined things earlier.

Usually things felt pretty good between the two. When they weren't disagreeing about her more dubious _hobbies_. Steve just didn’t quite get along with her all the time. It was a wonder why they were even together when they fought so much. Well, no, that was a lie. She’d been a good change of pace before they’d gotten entangled together, back when she was still in the Serpent Society. It was Steve’s presence in her life that made her want to change, she’d told him that once. It had been that same night when she’d proposed a friends with benefits thing when Steve had admitted he probably wasn’t emotionally stable enough to be in a relationship with anyone.

The disastrous blind date with a lawyer named Bernie two months after DC was just proof of that.

Steve rubbed at his aching temples and ignore the building headache and made his way towards Rachel.

“Hey Rachel,” Steve began hesitantly. “I’m so sorry about earlier, I--"

"It's okay Steve." Rachel looked up from her cell phone. 

"No, it's not I've been awful and selfish. You've been so good to me but all I've done is push my issues onto you."

“Never apologize for being human, Steve. If the situation had been reversed, I would have expected you to stop in a heartbeat.”

“Of course!” Steve nodded hurriedly. “I would never make you feel guilty over something like that.”

“Then why can’t you afford yourself the same courtesy?” Steve… didn’t know how to respond to that. It’d mean doing more than just scratching at the surface of his issues and he at this point in time, he really didn’t want to do that. “Besides, I know it’s not me you want, I’d have just escalated things.”

“Rachel, I--”

“It’s okay Steve, I’m a big girl, I know when a man’s on the rebound and when it’s serious.” She gulped down the last bit of her drink and moved to set the glass down on the counter.

“You’re not just another warm body, Rae.” Steve said guiltily with Natasha’s words echoing in his head.

Rachel grinned and patted his cheek. “I know, I’m your friend and as your friend, if you need to take a break or stop our arrangement, my feelings won’t be hurt.”

Steve grabbed her bejeweled hand with both of his, feeling like a complete and utter ass. Nothing he could say would make this any better. He was such a mess. “I’m sorry I can’t be more for you."

Rachel giggled sympathetically. “Honey, you already gave me my life back, you don’t need to do anything more.”

“You’re a good person, you just needed a little help.”

Rachel rolled her eyes and Steve started to feel the knot in his chest start to loosen. “Besides, if we ever got serious about things, we’d rip each other’s heads off. Or have you forgotten what landed us in bed in the first place? You may have inspired me to get my life back together and in my own hands again, but I'm not going to change everything about me for you Steve, or for anyone else but me for that matter." 

Steve let out a breath of air and nodded. He knew what she meant without even having to ask for an explanation. Their relationship... while it wasn't volatile, it also wasn't exactly healthy either.

A buzz in his pocket reminded Steve why he'd gotten out of bed in the first place. “I understand." He paused. Steve hated to cut and run. He really didn't want to be that guy but he really needed to get going.

"Yeah? What is it?"

"I'm really sorry but I have to get going. I forgot that the mutant rights rally is today--that's actually part of what Nat and I were talking about. Dr. Xavier asked a couple of us to speak at today's event to show support and I completely spaced but it's really important."

“Well then you don’t wanna be late, Rogers.” She smiled playfully, giving him a kiss on the cheek before swatting his arm. “Go on, get outta here.”

Steve thanked her and then said his goodbyes. He left with a strange sort of relief. He really shouldn't feel so good about what was technically a breakup but he did. Downstairs, Natasha was waiting in the black corvette scrolling through her phone. Squeezing himself in, Steve opened his mouth to say something, but Natasha just raised a finger to silence him. She finished whatever it was she was doing before pointing to the back of the car with the cellphone.

“I picked up some clothes for you to change into since I’m pretty sure ‘I just had sex’ isn’t the image you’re going for.”

“Thanks Nat.” Steve smiled gratefully. “Where would I be without you?”

“Probably still hiding under the covers from reality.” Ouch. She smiled playfully as she put the car in gear and pulled out. “You can get changed in one of the rooms at the hotel when we get there. Most everyone will be outside but Xavier and the rest of the speakers are staying inside until the event starts so they don’t get mobbed by reporters.”

“The suit?” Steve peered into garment bag in the back seat.

“With how the U.S. has used your image over the last seventy years, they need to see what the real Captain America represents.”

"And Tony?"

There was a pause. "Colonel Rhodes is showing up and Pepper has made a statement of support via Twitter."

Steve pursed his lips. It was nice to hear Colonel Rhodes supporting them even if Tony wasn’t giving a public stance. Tony just didn’t understand.

“He’ll come around.” Natasha said, breaking the silence.

Steve didn’t answer. He didn’t want to bring his mood down even more. Instead he tried to focus on the city streets zooming by outside the window but the slight dizzying feeling made that a little hard.

It took nearly half an hour to get through traffic to Madison Square Park, which meant that they wouldn’t have much time to prepare once they got there. Steve felt kinda bad for that. He didn’t want to cause any trouble for them, especially since he was only a guest speaker. Steve had assumed it would take them even longer to find parking but Natasha just pulled into the parking garage near the top level. It took them a minute to make their way to the right building and Steve was beginning to feel his face heat up from the sun.

“We are so late,” Steve muttered.

“You mean you’re so late.” Natasha flashed a card at the security, who then led them to a cordoned off area on the first floor. “I’m only the chauffeur this time around.”

“Yeah, yeah, whatever.”

The rooms they’d booked for the guest speakers wasn’t too far off. It only took them a few minutes to find them and show their badges to the security guards. The hotel was decorated in am Art Deco with colors that reminded Steve of a peacock. The door entered into a suite living room with two doors to the right. There was a TV near the windows across from the door and some couches and a coffee table to the right while a small kitchenette and a dining room table occupied the left.

“I’m so sorry I’m late.” Steve rubbed his palms against his jeans after stepping into the room. “I lost track of time.”

“Don’t worry about it, we knew you’d make it.” Colonel Rhodes stepped forward to lay a hand on his shoulder in greeting. “It’s good to see you.”

“It’s good to see you too.” Steve replied quietly, unsure of what else to say. He hadn’t seen Rhodes very much since everything with Tony had started to fall apart.

“He’ll come around. You know how Tony is, he’s always gotta be fashionably late to the party.” Rhodes squeezed his shoulder, sensing where Steve’s thoughts had turned before taking a step back to motion over to the group sitting by the couch. The senator and mayor must be in the room next over with their own security detail, Steve noted. He thought it a touch odd that Rodes was in here rather than with all the other government officials.

Looking to the others in the room, Steve only recognized the Dr. Xavier, Jean Grey, and Scott Summers out of the group.

A gruff looking man tossed back the last of his beer before leaning his arms onto his knees. “The name’s Logan. Now don’t get things twisted, I’m not here to speak. I’m just here to make sure nothing goes wrong.”

“Oh, hush up, you. Nothin’s gonna go wrong so don’t go borrowin’ trouble.” A girl with a white streak of hair snapped before turning her attention to Steve. She kept her arms crossed and didn’t stand. “The name’s Rogue, forgive me for not shakin’ your hand but touch isn’t really my strong suit.”

Ah, so the rumors were true. The X-men really did have a mutant with the power to drain others. Rather than frightened, Steve almost felt bad for the girl but remembered how much he’d hated it when others had pitied him back before the serum. Judging by her attitude, she wouldn’t take kindly to it either, so instead Steve just smiled and nodded. “It’s nice to meet you.”

Rogue nodded and settled back on the love seat, seemingly satisfied.

There were a few others there but some of them, like Logan, were only there as back up, to make sure nothing went wrong during the event. Steve couldn’t quite put his finger on it but he felt like someone was missing.

“What happened to Wanda? I thought she was coming?” Steve looked over to where Natasha had made her way to the kitchenette.

“She was going to but with everything going on, she thought it best to hang back.”

“Oh,” Steve said stupidly.

Of course she wouldn’t exactly feel welcome here. Finding out her powers weren’t just a Hydra experiment but because of her father--her real father, who was Magneto, the man who had let her believe her brother had died back in Sokovia instead of telling her he’d rescued the boy? Yeah, Steve would want some time to himself too. Wanda was having a bit of a hard time figuring out where she fit into things and she’d been hesitant to reach out to the X-men--especially with their complicated history with Magneto.

Steve snuck a glance over at the X-men and tried not to grimace.

“I don’t want to intrude but Wanda is always welcome at the Institute.” Jean Grey stepped forwards with a sympathetic smile.

“Of course. She’s a wonderful girl with a great mind. Please let her know that should she ever want, we will always be here.” Dr. Xavier agreed.

“Thanks, I’m sure she’ll be happy to hear that.” Steve and Natasha both nodded. Steve was sure she would be.

Logan grunted. “Ya need a place to change?” He nodded towards the garment bag in Steve’s hand.

Steve tried not to flush at the observation. “Yeah, uh, I didn’t have time before hand. Sorry.”

One of the other X-men giggled and Nat just rolled her eyes.

“The bathroom’s right over there.” Rhodes pointed to the one closest to entrance.

Steve murmured a thanks and made his way over. When he shut the door, he turned to look at his reflection and blanched at himself. He looked like fresh roadkill--or like he was hungover. Not that Bucky had ever let him drink to excess like that very often. He was always worried about how the alcohol would affect his arrhythmia.

Steve pushed the thought aside and stepped closer to the gold framed mirror. His honied blond hair was messier than Steve had thought and the dark circles under his eyes only served to further exaggerate how sickly he looked. While his neck was splotchy red, his face was pale and the two hickies on his neck stood out like beacons. Steve noticed with a start, he was breathing through his mouth because of the tightness in his chest. His hunched shoulders and loose stance only further served to remind him of how he’d get back before the serum when he was sick. If he didn’t know any better he’d say he had a fever.

He looked like a goddamn wreck.

Steve closed his mouth and forced himself to breath through his nose before smoothing out his hair, a little coarse from the left over hair mousse, and squared his shoulders. There was nothing he could do about the way his skin looked short of asking Natasha to give him her foundation--that would just take forever, especially since she would insist on color matching him--so he just splashed some ice cold water on his face to cool himself down before getting changed.

Steve hated how plain as day it was for anyone to see he was falling apart. He had to get himself together. Who would trust Steve if he looked like he was going through a midlife crisis at an event as important as today?

Steve had already pulled on the pants and the mesh undershirt and was barely starting to pull the top over his head when he felt the dizziness from earlier return with force. Steve fell into the countertop to stop himself from tripping into the toilet and the resulting _thud_ from his left arm slapping into the wall, still trapped in the sleeve, was enough to make Steve swallow back tears. Steve stood there, trapped with his arms raised and his head halfway through the uniform trying desperately not to let out a pitiful whine, not at the pain, but at having to get up and pretend everything was fine on a day when he really just wanted to fall apart in peace. What he really wanted was to crawl back into bed and play one of those mystery podcasts that reminded him oh so much of the radio programs he and Bucky used to listen to.

A soft knock on the door made Steve start. He must have been standing there too long. Clearing his throat, Steve tried not to think about how pathetic he must look. In his clearest Captain America voice, he said. “I’ll be right out.”

He finished pulling the uniform on, zipping it down the sides and buttoning the underside of the top to the pants before running his hands through his hair again. Just a few hours and then Steve could go home. He just needed to make it through this with as little incident as possible. Then maybe he could figure out why the hell he felt so off when everyone and their grandma knows Steve doesn’t get sick. Not anymore.

...

If Steve was being honest, getting from the bathroom to the stage had happened in a bit of a blur. It didn’t matter that they’d spent half an hour in the hotel room just chit chatting, waiting for the signal to head out and then another twenty minutes standing around behind the makeshift stage while final preparations were made. Steve still found himself staring at the ground behind Dr. Xavier's wheelchair with a start. It’s not like he didn’t remember what had happened, he’d just suddenly realized how out of it he’d been.

Casting a surreptitious glance at those standing next to him onstage, he felt relieved that no one seemed to have noticed.

Steve resisted the urge to pull at his collar or fan at his face. He hated how hot New York could get in the summer. The stealth suit didn’t help any, what with all the dark blue kevlar and cordura adorning him from head to toe. He needed to focus.

The sound of his name being called and the round of polite clapping that went through the crowd caught his attention. Jean Grey had introduced him already. Steve jerked forward and forced himself to not fiddle with his collar.

“Are you okay?” Jean Grey murmured as Steve passed her on his way up.

Steve tamped down the flair of irritation at that. She meant well, she didn't know how many times people had asked him that back when he'd first gotten out of the ice. Or how many time Steve had boldfaced lied and no one had even noticed otherwise. No one until Natasha and Sam that is.

Nodding, he murmured. “I’m fine.” Steve stepped up to the podium and tried to give a genuine smile without looking too awkward. He was usually good at this sort of stuff.

“Thank you for inviting me to speak here today, Ms. Grey, Dr. Xavier. I know I many of you are wondering what I'm doing here today especially given that I don't have the X-gene. Well not many know this about Project: Rebirth but after Erskine was killed and the remaining serums lost, the government initially wanted to send me to some base in Arizona to figure out how to make more. Pretty messed up, right?” He chuckled, murmurs and nods going throughout the crowd. He hadn’t told this to anyone up until now. It, like so many other things, had faded into irrelevancy. Until now, he hadn’t known what good it could do. “I’m sure you all know what happened after that but my point is that I had to fight to get to where I am today. The government isn’t always going to know what’s right for its people, it isn’t always going to care. That’s why today is so important. They need to know that what they’re doing isn’t going to fly.” Steve squinted, trying to angle his head away from the glare of the sun. It felt like you could fry an egg on his forehead. “That you’re not dangerous commodities to be ensured...”

Steve trailed off, seeing the crowd moving, almost as if they were doing the wave and then his vision started to swirl. Nausea crawled up his throat and Steve tightened his fingers on the podium. He felt like he’d just gotten off the rollercoaster back in 1938 with Bucky when he’d ended up tossing his cookies. Distantly he was aware that his nose had started to bleed. Steve tried to say something, to maybe ask for a tissue or something but it just came out as a jumble of words and then before he knew it, he was falling. Smacking his head on the podium, Steve fell back like a ton of bricks. The shouts of alarm and blooming pain all faded to black.

  
  


It happened when Bucky was washing the dishes. The commotion on the TV made him freeze. _“Oh my God! It appears as though Captain America has collapsed!”_ The frantic news reporter’s voice drifted throughout the room as the camera focused on strangers surrounding Steve’s unconscious body on stage. The bloody nose and gash on his forehead didn’t escape Bucky’s notice.

Bucky's heart squeezed like a vice. He couldn’t leave that fucking punk alone for five goddamn minutes.

WIth a sort of calm to his movements that came only with years of practice, Bucky let the plate clatter into the sink as he pivoted on his heels and strutted to the door. He paused only to grab his keys, wallet, and favorite hoodie before heading out the door. Bucky tried not to let the fear claw its way up his throat at what could have possibly gotten past Steve’s defenses.

Steve was going to be fine, even if Bucky had to walk through hellfire to make sure of it.

**Author's Note:**

> I still might go back through this and edit it to make it smoother, so a beta would really be appreciated! I hope you all enjoyed this! I promise the writing will get smoother so please stick around cause I'm super excited for this series! Anyway don't forget to drop a comment and let me know what you think!  
> Edit 02-12-2021: I went through amd fixed a few things and made it read better, a couple of lines were changed but the core of the chapter is the same so hopefully it reads better now.


End file.
